Monday, April 4, 2011

My Life Last Week

Okay peeps, I'm going to be more real and honest here than usual. If topics like ovaries, miscarriages, and infertility bother you, then maybe you better just scoot on by this post. And that's okay.

Most of my friends probably already know this, but we have fertility issues. It took 2 1/2 long years of trying, numerous doctor appointments and tests, clomid, surgery, charting every single aspect of my life, and lots and lots of prayers before we got our little Sareny. It was difficult emotionally and physically. I felt really blessed to get Isaac and Finley here with considerably less stress. A year ago December, we lost what would have been our fourth little miracle. I was disappointed, but we moved on.

Now here we are more than a year later with no little baby forthcoming, and I gotta tell you, it has been hard. With each passing month, I have felt the loss of that baby more and more. At Christmastime this past year while browsing the ornaments in the Hallmark store, I got choked up when I looked at the Baby's First Christmas ornaments, knowing I would have been selecting one of those if things had been different. At Panda Express recently, I was checking out their zodiac calendar and observed that we had a rat, a dog, a monkey, and felt tears coming as I thought, we would have had a tiger.

When we moved into our house this past summer, I decided I couldn't take driving an hour to my fertility doctor anymore, and we were done. If Heavenly Father meant for our family to have another baby, then it would come. If not, then we would be a family of five. I tried to be happy with that, but I couldn't help holding out the hope that there was another one for us. Two weeks ago, I returned to my doctor after my 8 month absence not expecting to continue fertility treatment. But when the Dr. did an ultrasound of my ovaries and said they were covered with cysts (I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and on my own would be lucky to ovulate once a year, I pictured saying, "Okay, we're done." and that just didn't feel right. My other option was surgery, and before I knew it, I found myself setting up the surgery for March 29th. Without consulting my husband, who, as far as he was concerned, felt fine with our family of five. Luckily he came around to my way of thinking. :)

So last Tuesday, I had laparscopic surgery to remove the cysts and poke a bunch of holes in my ovaries. It would be nice if this ordeal leads to a baby, but strangely, having this surgery has somehow answered my constant questions. As I lay in my bed healing and contemplating life, I realized whether I end up with three children or four, I am okay.

12 comments:

Sam said...

Thinking of you. Love, Sam

Myrna Foster said...

I'm glad you're feeling at peace with what you have, but I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. I didn't know. We would also really like to have more, but . . . yeah, so far nothing's happening. *hugs*

Jolynn said...

Well at least now you know you gave it your all and whatever happens next is out of your control. I'm glad you're feeling at peace about this. It's in the Lord's hands now. We will hope and pray that there's one more little one to join your family. But whatever happens, you will be okay.

debra g said...

There were several years where I thought we'd have none, then I had miscarriage after miscarriage (at least 7 that I know of), and now I have five!
What I've discovered: only Heavenly Father knows how many we need. And that's a comforting reassurance.
Thinking of you lots!

Fritzsche's said...

Hill,
I had no idea that you were going through all of that. I know how it feels to wonder if there is another one out there for your family. I beat myself up everyday trying to decide whether to have another child or not. I can't imagine having the added agony that you've had with the other issues so I'm so sorry that you are struggling. You will be okay and everything is in the Lord's time. Remember that he loves you and he knows your desires and needs. I think sometimes he's just waiting for us to calm down and accept what may be... then he gives us those sweet miracles that help us grow whether good or bad. It will all be okay.

shauntel said...

Sending you some love and prayers. What a struggle. I'm reminded of all those talks about adversity during general conference. Heavenly Father knows what you need and will take care of you.
Let's visit sometime soon. It's been WAY too long. And I'd love to come see your house.

Lexi said...

hill bill, im so glad you are at peace with this. im also glad your surgery went well and that you are recovering. the Lord is aware of your situation and He will bless you. i cant wait to see you in a couple weeks! lets talk soon.

melanderson said...

It takes a lot of faith and trust in the Lord to say what you just wrote. So sorry for your heartache. You are a GREAT mom!

cassidy said...

What a roller coaster of emotions you've been on! You are always so good at seeming like you're fine and happy, so it seems like not a lot of people even knew you were dealing with this. I'm glad the surgery went well and like Mom said, you are doing your part and can now leave the rest to Heavenly Father. It sounds like you have finally found a bit of peace.

Alayna said...

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this. I've been thinking of you and hope that you are doing well.

Amy O'Neill said...

I am sorry to hear you have had a hard time. I echo what everyone else has said. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you are doing well!

bethany said...

**Just now getting around to reading some posts that I missed**
Wouldn't it be so much easier if the you of the future could come back and tell the you of now that everything was going to turn out okay? I always wish that when I'm dealing with any challenge. It's so hard to deal with the valleys of trial in life. You are definitely having a great attitude about it-isn't the Spirit of peace a wonderful thing? I'll be praying for your swift recovery. Thanks for sharing Hillari.